One of the starting conceits of this newsletter was that we (Divya and Diana, hello!) were two Aussie gals who had moved to London from Sydney, at pretty much the same time. But since we started writing it, the two of us have spent surprisingly little time in London together. Divya went back to Australia for Christmas, Diana for all of February, and then Divya again more recently. But the stars aligned! We finally got to do this edition in person. On a sunny, cherry blossom heavy spring morning last week, we decided to go for coffee and ended up at the cafe that Dexter buys in the Netflix One Day series. And we turned up in basically the same outfit. So separation has made us… the same?
We chose an intimate, exposing topic for this edition, one that demanded lots of over-laptop eye contact: delusion. How delusional are we? Is there anything new in TikTok’s obsession with being ‘delulu’? When is self-delusion helpful? Is it possible to be deluded and self-aware at the same time? And, can you be deluded without being insufferable?
Divya: Okay, let’s start here: how delusional do you think you are?
Diana: I guess that’s like asking someone if they're a narcissist. Any successfully delusional person is not going to know they’re deluded. I think when it comes to career stuff, I would say I’m not that deluded. I can read a review and be like, ‘Well, that’s a good point.’
But you know what? I think I’m very delusional. Especially socially. I’m one of the least socially anxious people I know. I just… never go over anything I’ve said or done in a social context in my head afterwards.
Divya: I did not think this was where you were going to go. What, never? Even when you’re hungover?
Diana: I mean like, a few times a year, if I can’t fully remember what I did or said, I miiight worry about the gaps. But I almost never replay conversations once they’re over. I mean, I’m sure I say things I should regret all the time. I just choose not to think about it. I think that’s a mode of delusion, right? But it’s very useful for me. It saves so much worry lol.
Diyva: I simply cannot relate. I love this way of life for you.
Diana: In what ways do you think you’re deluded?
Divya: I feel like in order to try and make a career out of something even a little bit creative, to put things out there into the world that you’ve created/written/sung/drawn, you have to be at least a bit deluded at the start. I guess because the odds are stacked against you! Once you start and grow etc etc, you can find evidence of an audience. But before that, I guess you have to delude yourself that people would be interested enough in what you have to offer! And that’s a very useful and motivating kind of delusion. I guess that’s the crux of the TikTok-sanctioned ‘delulu’ thing: that you should just believe in yourself, and then the world will believe in you, too.
Diana: I think a lot of creatives would really relate. There’s this Virginia Woolf quote from A Room of One’s Own, which I think about all the time, where she speaks about “the world’s notorious indifference” to creative work. She basically says the world “does not ask people to write poems and novels and histories; it does not need them”. And people always say “Oh no but we do need stories!” and yes, for sure, but I know what she means. It’s not like being a doctor or an engineer. Nobody is going to run up to you and be like, “I need this novel you haven’t written yet! It will change my life!” So you just have to convince yourself that the reader is out there somewhere, even though there's no actual evidence.
Divya: Yes! Exactly. I think when I was younger, I almost put too much weight on rationality. Like, you must search for the truth, what are the facts and what is provable etc etc. These days, I’m like, look: many people have very loose grips on reality, but honestly, maybe that’s not such a bad thing because the world can be such a hard place. The older I get, the more I think that rationality is a privilege. People have to find ways of coping with the world! Which can suck! I understand way more why people gravitate towards astrology, or religion, or the idea that like, ‘the universe has a plan’.
Diana: Oh my god yes, astrology! I have so many friends whose intelligence I really respect who are very into astrology. I remember reading this article where a psychotherapist said that therapy exists on a continuum with, let’s say for the purposes of this conversation, more ‘delusional’ modes of thinking like tarot and astrology. It almost doesn’t matter whether it’s a star sign or a particular card or an expensive therapist asking a pointed question, it’s all about prompting different conversations with yourself. That makes sense to me. But when people try to explain the world by reference to it, like, “I’m tidy because I’m a Capricorn”, or “I’m late because my moon’s in Sagittarius”, I just… can’t. .
Divya: The conversation-starter idea is a very you way of thinking about astrology lol. I don’t think people (for the most part) are thinking about it like that. I actually think that’s way too rational an approach! I think mostly, they’re using it as a way to find meaning and order in randomness. (Astrology-lovers, look away: this anti-astrology rant in NYC writer Delia Cai’s newsletter is very very funny.) They want to blame the eclipse for their bad mood or to hope that a saucy summer fling is around the corner because they were born in April. And to that I say: why shouldn’t they!! I mean, it’s all getting a bit Sartre in here but why wouldn’t we try to put structures onto the randomness of the world, especially when tragic, senseless things happen all the time? Hey, maybe rationality is the weird thing.
Diana: No, that’s true. And actually, I’m all for believing something because it’s helpful rather than true. My thinking on this really changed after I read this book by this Australian philosopher, Eleanor Gordon Smith, called Stop Being Reasonable. She says that sometimes we adopt beliefs not because there’s evidence to support them, but because believing them will make your life easier.
She gives a pretty extreme example of a woman who has, as an adult, been told her mother abused her as a child. She can’t remember it, and there’s not enough evidence to prove it. So she’s like, if I believe she didn’t, then I get to have a relationship with her. And if I believe she did, or I stay doubtful, then I lose a mother.
And then, this is the even more interesting bit: sometimes, when you choose to adopt a belief for pragmatic reasons, it can actually become less delusional over time. Like, if this woman chooses to believe that her mother didn’t abuse her and takes a leap of faith and forges a good relationship with her, she could end up finding lots of evidence to substantiate the idea that she took a punt on: that she’s a nice, non-abusive person.
Divya: Yeah, it’s like what I was saying earlier about being creative. If you delude yourself long enough to create, then after the thing is created, an audience emerges. And suddenly it’s not ‘crazy’ or ‘deluded’ or ‘a long shot’ anymore.
Diana: Yes! Like, there’s not this strict distinction between delusion and reality. Our delusions can create new realities.
Divya: Which is very empowering at an individual TikTok-delulu level! As long as it doesn't gain any traction at a societal level, I guess. I’ll always remember this Teen Vogue article that came out after Trump won the presidency called Donald Trump is Gaslighting America. It’s one thing to self-delude but trying to alter the lived reality of other people is another. I guess that’s why it’s important to recognise delusions for what they are? Like, cling to them, and make them work for you, but don’t impose them on anyone else.
Diana: Yeah! Back to my point about my social delusions: if someone ever tells me I’ve said or done something out of order, I don’t force my delusion on them and be like, “Oh no, I don’t think about those sorts of things.” I’m like, “Wow I’m so sorry” hahaha.
Divya: I still can’t believe you live like that. That has been the revelation of the day. But yes, I agree. I’ll defend anyone’s right to curl up under a lovely soft blanket of delusion. As long as it’s only over themselves and not anyone else.
What we’ve loved this past fortnight…
Diana
Object: My object this week is a Proper Grown-Up Bag. After our last edition, which was anti-recommendation-culture, I can’t in good conscience identify the bag. Instead, I’ll tell you a story about it. Context: I’m not a bag person. I just don’t like them. I get a rebellious, androgynous thrill when I leave the house with free hands and full pockets. But alas, even liberated women sometimes need to carry stuff. Previously, I put my stuff in a backpack if I was going to the library, or a canvas tote if I needed to appear less schoolgirl-ish. Then in the last few weeks I swapped my trusty LRB merch (did you know I can read?) for an expensive chocolate brown suede tote. I’ve worn it to a few meetings and, as absurd as this sounds, it honestly makes me feel like a more serious person. Speaking of self-fulfilling delusions, it’s like the investment in appearing professional has actually made me believe I am a professional. Is this why men wear suits?!
Experience: Everyone had been telling me to watch Anatomy of a Fall for months. Turns out… everyone was right. Amazing script, incredibly well-acted (Sandra Hüller learned French for the part) and really interesting interrogation of the fault-line between emotional and objective truth.
Divya
Object: I pretty much have done the same makeup for, like, four years, but I was gifted this tinted serum recently and it’s lovely. I’ve been skipping foundation and just wearing this instead. It’s subtly glowy, and so nice for darker skin tones (I find that so many ‘glow’ products are not).
Experience: Sorry this is ridiculous but you all have to take this quiz and tell us in the comments what you got: Is This A Taylor Swift Lyric Or A Quote By Edgar Allan Poe? It’s surprisingly hard! I mean this is pretty well known Poe — “And so being young and dipped in folly, I fell in love with melancholy” — but you’re telling me it couldn’t also be the start of the bridge of a T Swift song called like, Purple Winter or something??
Taste: I am now a card-carrying resident of east London, having eaten my first (and second) Dusty Knuckle sandwich. It was as good as they say! The queues don’t lie (and thankfully also move quickly).
See you in two weeks!
Divya and Diana xx
wonder what scores classifies as weird or delulu ^-^
10 outta 15, “you’re threading an impressive needle…but not to the point that it’s weird”